Bay Street happy with new Finance Minister

Ottawa – March 21, 2014 – With the retirement of Jim Flaherty as Finance Minister, and after spending hundreds of millions of dollars on ads, Canada’s Economic Action Plan has finally created one job. Bank executives and corporate CEOs were elated to learn that Conservative gang leader Stephen Harper quickly filled Flaherty's position with one of Bay Street's own — Joe Oliver.

Having previously served as Minister of Natural Resources, Oliver excelled at sticking to the government line, denying global warming as a scientific reality, and demonizing those who dared to oppose expanded oil, gas, and tar sands development as "radicals." As Minister of Natural Resources, Oliver was also successful in ensuring that Canada continued to drag its heels on reducing greenhouse gas emissions.

Now, with Oliver as Finance Minister, banks and corporate CEOs can rest assured that the Harper government’s economic policies will see no change in direction. Corporate tax cuts will remain in place and corporations will continue to sit on over $600 billion in profits without having to do anything to create jobs or invest in our communities. They can rest easy that Canadians will continue to live in poverty in retirement because there will be no expansion of the Canada Pension Plan (CPP), and their rich friends will be able to avoid paying taxes while the government wastes millions on income splitting.

Con boss Harper was so pleased to announce his new Finance Minister, a Bay Street icon and former executive at Merrill Lynch, that he had Oliver sworn in at a secret ceremony with no press allowed.  After the ceremony, Oliver refused to answer any questions and quickly slipped into his car and drove off. “If they're so proud of Joe Oliver as Minister of Finance, why in Heaven’s name wasn’t the media allowed to attend the ceremony?” asked Tom Mulcair, the Leader of the Official Opposition.

So while Canadians struggle to find good-paying, full-time jobs, pay down their household and tuition debts, and continue to be shut out from the Employment Insurance benefits that they pay for, corporate executives and CEOs can breathe a sigh of relief that their boy from Bay Street is the new Finance Minister of Canada.